The Road Back

asdjfh#o4t8u(@a;oi#$%$v49q30[4ut9  Why didn't anyone tell me what to expect when I return home after 5 months of traveling?!?!  aio^%*&(c48at/qo;cq48tvy  

Flying over Borneo

I've been back in the US for 3 weeks now after traveling through southeast Asia for 20 weeks.  From the minute I got off the plane I felt like I was on a different planet.  The air didn't smell of shrimp paste, streets were clean, I didn't have to search for wifi, and people would look at me strange when I smiled at them - or when I waived at their kids (they smiled at me first!).  The first day back, I was afraid to leave the apartment!  I kept thinking it would mean my vacation was over.  The feeling of adventure and freedom would be over.  

Being back in NY is like meeting up with an old boyfriend.  You were once so close and shared a life together.  Now that you've moved on, how do you relate?  You don't.  So you probably kill time by talking about old mutual friends.  That was my approach to NY.  I found a place to live near my old apartment, ate at all of my favorite eateries I'd missed while gone, etc.  But it all feels so different.  It almost feels annoying.  I'm use to having constant stimulation by something different that all of these things that stayed the same feel blaaaah.  Then a good friend said something to me that totally changed my perspective: 

"Why does your vacation have to end?  What if your entire life could feel like you're on vacation?"    

Damn!  That would be amazing!!  I want that.  How do I feel like I'm on a permanent vacation, yet still do things like work and go to the grocery store?  I thought: "ok, the answer to this is easy.. ART" I'll go and get reacquainted with my art.  

This is where I was thrown into a whirlwind.  I was on such a creative roll right before I left that I thought I could easily pick it back up.  I was wrong.  It's not that easy.  I sit at my favorite cafe staring at an empty sketch book.  Sit at my bench staring at a clean surface (unheard of for a jeweler).  Sit in my room.  Sit in the park.  Sit at the Met (Alexander Wang exhibit is incredible, by the way!). Nothing.  Nada.  Someone shake me!!! 

On top of that, everyone I see or meet that knows about my trip all have this expectation of me, "Wow!  You must have had a lot of inspiration.  Are you designing crazy stuff?!"  Nope.  I am not.  I am unable to design.  I am creatively constipated.   

I don't even want to see my old friends because who wants to admit this?  Who wants to tell people "I went on a 5 month trip and came back a stranger to myself"?

All the while I'm trying to hold onto that vacation feeling.  My freedom.  My love.  My sense of self.  My enthusiasm and hope for the world.  The sounds of jungle.  The smell of the air.  The smiles of little kids - the gleam in their eyes.  I want to hug my last 5 months so hard.  You can say I'm too much in my head.  But maybe I'm too much in my heart. 

So, I've signed a contract with myself, to begin (as cheesy as it may sound) the Artist's Way.  I've decided that this is my opportunity to redefine my relationship with "home".  I'm going to find my permanent vacation.

Deer Cave - see good 'ol Abe Lincoln?

To be continued...